The right states for social events
Note: This is a guest post by Hiten from Stuttering hub
Attending social events is part and parcel of being a social being. This includes birthday parties, evening dinners, Christmas parties, social get-togethers with friends and work colleagues. No big deal right?
Well, for some people, social events are the last thing they want to go to. In fact they would do anything and come up with all kinds of reasons to avoid them. You might be like this and want to make changes so you can attend social events, have a good time and meet people.
Well the good news. You don’t need to worry or get depressed. You can attend that upcoming work drinks social coming up. How you might ask? By accessing and applying the right states. Let me explain further…
Although you may not have realised it, when you get nervous or frightened of social events, you most likely have some thoughts in your mind. There are corresponding feelings throughout your body, telling you that that you can’t go into a social situation.
The nervousness and fear you experience is an example of a state that you experience; in this case it is an unhelpful and negative state. Sometimes you can get in such a negative state about social situations; it feels like no way out. However, you can.
You can do this by engineering a more powerful state, accessing it and then applying it to the negative state. This is known as meta-stating and is a technique familiar in the area of Neuro-Semantics (web link here: http://www.neurosemantics.com).
If you are worried about going to a social event, you can use the following steps to help you:
1. Identify an emotion that you know will help you go into social events
Let’s say you are about to go into a party situation. You become nervous when you think about chit chatting with new people. In this case you would like to have more assertiveness to talk with others.
Well, you firstly identify an assertive experience you have had before. For instance, you may have assertively closed a sale at work. Imagine this experience again vividly, so you fully experience it as if it is happening again. See what you saw at the time. Feel what you did, and hear the sounds you did.
2. Increase the state even more!
As you experience a strong state of assertiveness, then increase it some more! Imagine you have an internal dial and turn it round to crank it up some more!
3. Apply it to the nervousness of chit chatting with new people
As you feel all the feelings associated with your assertiveness, now apply this state to the “nervousness of talking at the event”. You can do this through a number of ways. You can do it through feelings, and move the feeling of assertiveness to the feeling of nervousness. Also, you can take a visual image of assertiveness and move this image to the image of nervousness.
Alternatively, you can do this by using words where you say to yourself, or say out loud, powerfully the word ‘assertive’ and apply it to any unhelpful words you might tell yourself such as “I’m nervous”. Try out a few ways to determine which way of applying a state to another is most powerful for you.
4. Notice the changes
As you apply assertiveness to nervousness, how does your powerful state of assertiveness actually transform your initial state of nervousness?
It is highly likely that you will feel different. The nervousness might have just totally disappeared! At the very least you might be experiencing a confident sense of “assertive nervousness”.
For those of you who are little more technical, here is a little explanation of what is going on here. What you have done is to encapsulate the unhelpful state (nervousness) within a higher powerful state (assertiveness). The higher state now governs the state below it!
5. Welcome in the new state
Now fully welcome this new state of assertiveness into your mind-body. How does this new ‘assertiveness’ fit for you? Does it empower you as a person? Does it enhance your life? “Yes”, I hear you say? Great! Get out there and start socialising!
So there you have it! Meta-stating is a very simple and effective way, which can help you get into social situations, to have fun and start living your life.
And remember, you can access and apply this state of assertiveness, or any other powerful state you choose, to an unhelpful state, before you go into any future social event!
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Great tips. I think they can be applied to any social events – including a first date! Just don`t day ‘assertive’ to yourself while you are sitting at the table with your date.
Bellaisa recently posted..Gifts Not To Buy Your Girlfriend
One great way to get in state is to exercise right before your social event. You get an endorphin high that lasts a while and makes you more relaxed. People sense that in your body language in addition to your mannerisms.
Body language is huge. Not only does it make a certain impression on others, but it affects your own state. Try slumping your shoulders and sighing and you will feel defeated. Stand up straight and relax your shoulders and you will feel more at home.
Hi Patrick,
You are so right about body language! It has such a huge impact on how we feel. I love the physiology of standing up, with chest just slightly out. Good, positive body language also helps you breathe better and you feel much more confident.
I also like your point about exercising right before going into a social event.
Thanks for your comment!
Hi Bellaisa,
Yes, you are right, this technique can be used for all social situations including first dates! Indeed, I’ve used it to help me with dating myself!
Thanks for commenting and for your contribution.
Thank you Hiten,
Being aware of our ‘states’ and how to rectify them into something more positive, is a very handy tool to have.
be good to yourself
David
David Stevens recently posted..21 more Self Discovery Questions for the 40+’s……enriching your Mid Life Journey in 2012
Hi David,
Thanks for your comment!
I agree with what you’re saying. Learning to manage our states can be so useful, and it is a skill we can use to assist ourselves throughout our lives. We are always in some kind of state. Teaching ourselves to be in better states, more often, can only be a good thing for living a more fuller and empowered life.
This is definitely not an area of concern for me Dia. I enjoy social events but I do know someone who is not to keen on them. I might send her this blog post and only hope she doesn’t get upset with me. I think what you’ve shared she would really find very helpful.
Great tips Dia and thank you once again for giving us such great to the point advice.
Adrienne recently posted..Do You Have A Facebook Fan Page?
Hi Adrienne,
Yes, please share this with the person you know! Whether the person chooses to try it is up to them. But you will have given them the option. The great thing about the meta-stating technique is its simplicity. Once a person learns the structure, it can be used to quickly get out of unhelpful states and into more resourceful ones.
I appreciate your comment.
Thanks for the wonderful, practical tips Hiten. I’d heard of neuro-symantics, so thanks for the clarification/link. A bit confused about the ‘red pill’ reference, though…?
Social anxiety is a huge segment within the mental health world, and it’s great that people like you are changing the face and de-stigmatizing the paralyzing emotions that come with it.
It’s pretty hard to function in the real world without leaving the home, right?
Linda recently posted..This Is Not My Butt…
Hi Linda,
Yes, you are so right! A part of living is getting out and about. For some people (this very simple thing on the face of it) doing this is so difficult. It takes me back to when I was younger and was seriously struggling with stuttering. I used wake up and literally think of all the speaking situations I would have to go into during the day, and avoid everyone. Learning how to manage my own states and create new ones to help get on in life has helped me so much personally.
The ‘red pill’ reference is like in the movie The Matrix, and ‘waking up’ to reality.
Thanks for commenting!
Hi Hiten and Dia,
Many people, at least where I live use alcohol to get comfortable in social situations. I guess it numbs part of the anxious brain.
I think a real test would be to go to a social function alone and see how you do. Many people bring people with them to social functions so that they have someone to talk to.
Justin Mazza recently posted..HostGator – 30% off Baby and Business Hosting Packages
Hi Justin,
I agree with what you say about going into a social function alone. This is a great way of building confidence in this area. There is the extra pressure, because one might think people will think “I’m weird because I’m alone”, but it’s good for desensitizing to the anxiety.
Thanks for your contribution.
Hi Hiten and Dia,
This was a problem for me for awhile. I wasn’t that bad once I arrived to the social gathering, but right before getting there, I would panic big time.
To cure this mini phobia, I would accept invitations even if I was petrified out of my mind. The last opportunity was in December. A friend I met on Facebook invited me to an All White Christmas party. I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to face my fear. I didn’t know anyone there and it was located in Orlando FL. So my partner and I drove 6 hours to attend.
I figured if we went that far, I couldn’t back out or changed my mind. It was a very smart move on my part, because the closer the event came the more freaked out about it I was. Looking back on it, it was actually funny.
We ended up having a really great time, and I think I found a way of facing that fear. Accept the invitation… and just Go!
Deeone recently posted..The Power of a Single Word
Hi Deeone,
What you write is a perfect example of becoming desensitized to the fear by just putting yourself into the situation again and again. Thanks so much for sharing the experience of going to the All White Christmas party. And I liked how you made the commitment to go, and once you were on the journey there, there was no going back!
My friends and I do something similar when planning trips out of town. We just make travel and accommodation arrangements well in advance. So once we’ve done this, there’s no pulling out!
Thanks for your contribution Deeone.
Hiten recently posted..Stuttering Hub connects with 2achieveyourgoals.com
Nice post Hiten, and nice to visit your blog Dia!
Though I don’t have a problem with visiting social event or interacting with people, but I love your tips and step-by-step procedure to get to the point of feeling good about attending one of these events.
I guess it all lies in the mind. If you think you can- you can just about get to do anything you set your heart and mind into- there is no stopping you then.
Thanks for sharing
Harleena Singh@Freelance Writer recently posted..Accept Change & Adjust to Life
Hi Harleena,
Yes, you are totally right. It all lies in the mind. If we can think we can, then we have already made the first step to doing it. With the particular technique I described, in step 1, if one can’t readily remember when they actually demonstrated the desired state, they can also imagine having the required state (or act “As if” they already had it previously). Imagination itself can be a powerful way of thinking of what we want before we go out and get it.
Thanks for commenting and for your contribution.
Hiten recently posted..Stuttering Hub connects with 2achieveyourgoals.com
Hi Dia and Hitten,
Any process that can help empower people to connect with their inner power and as a result connect with others is a treasure. Great that you shared this one here Hitten!
Effective networking with others makes life so much easier than trying to go it alone. When people find it difficult to relax in social situations they miss out on a whole lot.
While there is a variety of reasons why people may find social situations a challenge, I think much of the problem stems from a deeply rooted sense of not feeling good enough. This leads to many believing that they are not interesting enough.
What I have also found useful when I have worked with people who feel this way is to encourage them to shift their focus from trying to be interesting, especially when they don’t feel this way, to instead being interested in others.
People love talking about themselves and if you can learn to ask the right kind of questions people love you for the attention you give them. This in turn develops your own confidence if lacking and before you know it, you have relaxed, are being yourself and many others are finding you interesting too. It’s not something that just improves overnight however. It takes time and conscious practice at first.
I enjoyed your interesting and practical post a lot Hitten. Thank you.
~Marcus
Marcus Baker recently posted..A Focus Tweak Guaranteed to Help You Achieve Your Goals
Hi Marcus,
I could so relate to what you said about social situations and a sense of not feeling good enough. I was just like this when I was younger. You are so right about this, and a belief such as “I’m not interesting to others” can quickly develop.
I loved the powerful tips you shared about shifting focus from yourself to showing an active interest in other people. This is such an amazing shift, and takes off so much pressure off a person. And as you also quite rightly pointed out, ask others good questions and they will love you for it! With some effort, a person can quickly raise their social skills by doing this.
Thanks for your contribution Marcus. And I’m really glad you found the post interesting.
Hiten recently posted..Stuttering Hub connects with 2achieveyourgoals.com
Thanks Hiten,
Feel the fear and do it. You make the path very clear for others to follow that don’t like social events. The more we get out of our box the more confidence we do feel.
thank you and blessing to you,
Debbie
Debbie @ Happy Maker recently posted..What You Can Do To Be Happy Right Now In Your Relationship
Hi Debbie,
It’s amazing, we stay in our boxes because we feel safe there. But apart from this sense of safety, what else is there inside the box? Not much. You are right. The more we get out of our box, the more confident we will become. Real growth is possible when we step out of our boxes.
Thanks for commenting Debbie and for contributing to this post.
Hiten recently posted..Stuttering Hub connects with 2achieveyourgoals.com