How to forgive your parents
Can you forgive your parents? Is forgiving your parents difficult?
When Jane was a child, her parents got divorced. Her father hasn’t been in her life at all. He was not there for her when she needed his love, his compassion, his care, and his support. He has never called to see how she is doing and never asked how she is living.
Jane often wondered to herself why her father doesn’t call her, doesn’t ask about her, and doesn’t come to see her. She wondered why she is not part of his life.
She used to look at her friend’s parents and see how happy they are. Her friends seemed to have the perfect family filled with love, compassion and care. She often wondered “Why my family doesn’t have close ties?”
After she finished high school, her father suddenly appeared in her life. He started to ask her to forgive him. Since she had a grudge on him, she didn’t even want to talk to him or listen to him.
Does this story sound familiar? Do you have a grudge against your parents?
You have to learn to forgive your parents and realize that they have done everything they could at that time to give you the best life possible. Remember, we all make mistakes.
Why you should forgive your parents
1. Forgiving your parents helps bring you closer to them.
2. Forgiving your parents purifies your heart and releases the negative energy.
3. Forgiving your parents gives you the chance to heal and focus on the present.
How to forgive your parents
1. To forgive your parents, you need to understand the causes of what they did. For example, Jennifer in the example above should ask her father why he never cared for her and wasn’t part of her life when she grew up. Talking to your parents about the causes is the first step you need to do to forgive your parents as it helps to give you closure.
2. You have to realize that the past can’t be changed. Your parents made a mistake and it took them some time to realize their mistake. Know that we all make mistakes and want others to forgive us from time to time.
Your parents are humans and they don’t know everything. They did what they thought is the best decision at the time. By putting yourself in your parent’s position, you will, you will learn to accept the past and focus more on the present time.
3. Understand that you parents will always love you despite everything negative that has happened. You are part of them. Most parents love their children even if they don’t show it. When you understand that parents love their children, you will be more likely to forgive your parents.
4. Increase your self confidence. Research shows that people who are confident, who have high self esteem, and who are strong are more likely to forgive others. Always remember what Mahatma Gandhi said about forgiveness and being strong, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
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Hi Dia! I love when you say “you have to realize that the past can’t be changed.” No point on dwelling on what has been said and done. I find that usually the person that I need to forgive is myself. I forgive myself for any thoughts that I might harbor regarding their imperfection or their actions. If I change my thoughts about the way I perceive the situation, peace is restore.
Thanks for this beautiful reminder. Loving blessings!
Hi Andrea,
Exactly my friend, once we realize we can’t change the past, we can start focusing on the present and change our thoughts. If we want to forgive our parents, we have to realize that what they did is in the past. We have to forgive them for our own good.
This is a tough one for me Dia.
My mother died almost two years and I’m just now learning to forgive her for the years of alcohol abuse she brought into our house.
What I’ve learned is granting forgiveness is for me; not her. Forgiveness doesn’t let my mother off the hook, but it does allow me to move forward.
And you right Dia, I do feel stronger now that I’m forgiving her.
Alex
Alex, I just had to comment on your post. I am so sorry for your loss. As upset as I’ve ever gotten with my mother, I could never imagine her not being here. It’s all a part of life’s journey. But my prayers are with you as you reach out with forgiveness. You’re absolutely right – it’s more for us than anyone else. It cleanses our souls and frees us. Thanks for sharing your heartfelt story, buddy. Thoughts and prayers.
Hi Alex,
Exactly my friend, forgiveness is about you. When you forgive your parents, you are freeing yourself from all the pain and moving forward in your life with peace.
Dia – Forgiveness is a wonderful gift that we’ve been granted, that we can pass to the next person. But, what I’ve learned is that forgiveness frees the forgiver, not the one being forgiven necessarily…it can free them too, but it always frees the forgiver.
Great post – it feels right from your heart and I’m sure it’ll touch many. Thank you my friend.
Hi JK,
For sure my friend, forgiveness frees the forgiver, that is why it is crucial that we forgive our parents and people in general for our own good.
Dia,
It has really occurred to me over the course of my adult life that there were a lot of areas that my parents didn’t know what they were talking about. And then I realize that I am doing the same to my kids. We do the best we know how to. I had good parents and it’s only been in my adult years that they’ve gone through some real misery in their lives. I’m grateful for my childhood but sad for them not being able to get past some hurdles they’ve approached over the last ten years. I’ve had to forgive them for some things in recent years. And as a former minister, it’s easy for me to preach about forgiveness. It’s far more difficult to live it. Great post, my friend.
Dude, you used to be a minister…Wow..i never would of knew.. Sweet.
Hi Bryan,
Exactly my friend, once we realize that our parents did the best they could, it will be easier to forgive them. No parents knows everything, so they try to raise us in a similar way like they were raised usually. We have got to forgive them, so we can free ourselves.
To forgive we must do our best to see past the pain and understand pleasure comes from accepting the past as the past and looking towards a better future. Great post dia.
Hi Jonathan,
For sure the best thing is to accept the past as it and move forward. When we learn to forgive our parents, we are moving forward and letting the past stay in the past.
Hi Dia,
You did a great job on this post. It’s a tough subject too. I used to carry around anger towards my parents for not being better parents. But as I get older I see them for the people they are. They both had terrible childhoods, really bad stuff. My folks did the best they could with what they had. The first step in forgiveness is acceptance. I’ve learned to accept my folks for who they are. The truth is, they are intrinsically good people. I thank God we have a great relationship today. Today they are both really good parents. I’ve let go of past resentments because they dragged me down. Forgiveness is beautiful and strenthening! Thanks Dia!
Hi Dandy,
Good for you my friend. We have got to move past the resentment, so we can free ourselves from the negative emotions and focus on our life forward. Our parents did what they could and they are not perfect. They are humans after all and we all make mistakes.
What an important topic this is Dia. I’m a big fan of Wayne Dyer, and he has talked quite a bit about this subject due to his difficult upbringing. As he says, everything that happens to us, good or bad, with our parents was part of the great design. It was meant to be that way and there is absolutely no use to look back on our past with regret and sadness, only good feelings of gratitude.
Thanks Dia, as always.
Hi Marcus,
Exactly my friend, everything happens to us is what makes us who we are today. The important thing is to forgive our parents, so we can free ourselves.
This can be a touchy subject, at times, but we must persist with our forgiveness. Its essential for closing the wounds that have festered since our childhoods.
The sad thing is, most people just think their parents are being annoying or hurtful, on purpose. This isn’t so, our parents only knew how to do the best they could, nothing else.
Thanks for the insights Dia.
Hi Stuart,
For sure my friend, our parents did the best they could. Every person makes mistakes and if they did something that we don’t like, we have got to move past it and forgive them. Being upset and resentful doesn’t do anyone good.
Hi Dia,
This is a tough one for most people. You handled the topic really well.
Let go and grow is my mantra. If parents make fundamental mistakes it’s because they don’t know any better. I feel most parents love their kids and only want the best for them.
As you said the past can’t be changed. Holding on to the past binds you to the past, creating negative energy. Forgive your parents and more importantly, forgive yourself for holding the grudge.
Thanks for sharing your insight Dia.
RB
Hi Ryan,
I agree with you my friend that most people do love their children. They raise us the best they can and the best they know. They are only humans and humans do make mistakes. The key is to forgive them, so we can move on and free ourselves from the pain and suffering. Thanks Ryan
I want so much to forgive my father for what he did to me. Yes… it is the unthinkable. The abuse went on from the time was 3 yrs old until I was 15 and he tried it again when I was in my 30′s and at that time I had a total breakdown and was in the hospital for several weeks. The trauma and memories of it continue to this day and it is so hard to get it out of my head. I still have nightmares. I’ve had many years of therapy but that can only do so much. I’m 48 yrs. old now and can not seem to let go of the hurt. He denied it for so many years but finally admitted it. It’s been really hard accepting his apology because his actions tell me he isn’t being sincere and he has never told me why he did this. My question…how do I let go in a situation like this when I am still feeling so much pain and anxiety? I don’t know that it will ever go away. How do you know if you’ve forgiven someone? The guilt I feel from not being able to forgive is overwhelming. I struggle with it every day. I’ve read alot on the subject of forgiveness over the years but never seem to make any progress with it. Any advise would be greatly appreciated so much.